• @thedepressionportal
  • @thedepressionportal
  • @thedepressionp1
  • The Depression Portal on LinkedIn


© 2019 The Depression Portal.  Website by HiptoWix.

Sep 11, 2018

I Love My Depression


Edited: Sep 16, 2018

Ha -- knew that'd get your attention! Sorry to disappoint, but I actually don't love being depressed. Depression has been the story of my life for over 30 years, and it's been a tiring journey of pain, fear, loss, sadness, and rejection. I'll tell you something positive about my depression though -- it's forced me to become grateful...yes, grateful. Why would I ever be grateful for this ugly black dog? https://youtu.be/XiCrniLQGYc


I'll tell you why -- back in 2015 B.L. (Before Lexapro), a dear friend of mine told me to start a gratitude practice. He's the epitome of positivity and the perfect foil to my melancholy tendencies. I fought his suggestion for months, thinking it was a bunch of New Age hokey-pokie. Then on May 20, 2015, I cracked open my pink journal with its cover that says, "Keep Calm and Have a Cupcake." I wrote my first gratitude: "Friends to help me through my fucked up family." Okay, so it wasn't profound. But my last gratitude -- I wrote down four of them -- was. My fourth gratitude made me teary-eyed: "Elinor's death, forcing me to stop running from responsibility and take care of self, for first time ever." Elinor was my beloved aunt who served as a surrogate parent to me and my two younger sisters. She passed away from cancer back in 2010. Elinor was generous -- perhaps to a fault -- supporting me and my sisters here and there when we were old enough to take care of ourselves. (I'm still experiencing shame for admitting this.)


Fast-forward to today. I just re-read my first gratitude from yesterday: "I am rich. I am wealthy." What exactly does that mean? Well, after two and a half years of hard labor, I started my own business. I pay my own bills with my own money and it feels good. I am rich with love from friends and I don't doubt my contribution to society. I've realized that my depression forced me to hit rock bottom and taught me how to take care of myself -- physically and emotionally.


Depression affects each of us differently. For me, I can say that much of it was situational and a response to my upbringing. Now that I've dealt with some of the baggage from my past, I can honestly say that if I hadn't gone through that soul-crushing depression, I'd be couch-surfing and living off food stamps.


And it all started with a gratitude journal.





New Posts
  • Have since decided to stop doing this particular one. Since, I found it got too hard to keep up with it. Especially, over these past couple of yrs.
  • 1/13/19 13.1.19 Dear Mr. Eisenbud, whomever else this may concerns, everyone both on/ff of here:, Hi my name is Jessica A Bruno (waybeyondfedup). Live in Metro New York on New Jersey side of it USA. Born with a Neurologically based speech impairment/apraxia-dysarthria. Suffering from depression/anxiety for awhile now. Still I’m not one, but have no to little income. I receive Social Security Benefits for all of it. In which I’m glad for, but still wish I had other means as well, but in I still don’t. At the same time still don't drive or intend to anytime in the future. Whom needs more of a life then what she has had so far. As opposed to what it has been for the most part of her life and etc. Yet to reach this stage of life and beyond. I'm of a student of life and currently looking for her next opportunity. I'm still trying to found myself after all of these years. I'm also no spring chicken. Beyond all of both content and members I am back here yet again because I finally found what I have been looking for. With even one more to add. Especially, the amount of the time it took me to found. Is just me that is still wondering whatsoever happened to all of these chit chat forum/chats/discussions/talks/forums. Thats includes blogs/social media networking platforms/portals. I mean regarding feminist/s/ism/woman/en/s/debate/s/ing/beyond. I mean for one totally think thats because with all of political correctness/censored/bias/beyond. Especially, with all of conventional/fake/majority/mainstream/beyond leading the way. As opposed to with all of alternative/independent/minority/real/truth/beyond. Thats apart of the problem/s as well. In which again I am not giving any promises as to how long I stay, but hoping it is going to be on the more side of it. Especially, regarding this particular subject/s. In which I usually stay away from. Yet again another on this. Especially, one would think all of this should be over now. At the same time I'm also thinking of this being of the many possible scenarios that all of us should be beyond alert/prepared for/disaster/emergency preparedness/survival/shtf. I mean for all of man made/natural ones as opposed to one over the other. Especially, including all of civilians as well as professional. Everyone/where else should all do it as well.I also highly recommend beyond all of start doing your own learning and researching on it as well. I mean this also applies beyond to everything that I have mentioned above here. To me I found its very important so you can be proactive in it. Also, please take everything with a grain of salt as well. Especially, pseudoscience part of it as well. This also applies to beyond as well. waybeyondfedup with my mom’s cancer battle, both my fraternal twin sister, and my coping skills with it. Know that its been couple/few yrs since (4/26/16) and all of this a combination of my blog entries that I did at the time that I combined into all in one. Back because she has lost it and it didn’t go as planned. I mean not just this, but during the whole process. Have to say now I was pretty much in denial with the whole thing. Even through I knew was suffering, but still thought it was less as severe as this. Back again because I forgot to mentioned that she (right after she found) and she found from there that it showed she had BCRA2. Then after both my twin sister and me were both tested for it. It only I showed that I was suspected to 2, but forgot if it was for ovarian and/or breast. I couldn’t remember and even after through all of the paperwork. Now, I really need to look into all (both conventional/mainstream and traditional/integrative) because I for one still have a love and hated relationship with both medicines. In regards to what happened to her and especially, in the end with her brain tumor. In which she never complained at all because she was always beyond doer and carer. I’m back with even more. Basically, she went back to work when she did (couple wks after). At first, it wasn’t a issue until this past wk. When one of her friend from college went into the hospital because of inflammation in her. Then, everything started to spiraled, spl (spelling) for her. Well, not for her work. In which she mentioned opened to doing the support group at Valley Home Care and she called. But hasn’t called back to found out more about. At the same time shes also showing signs of her moodiness as well. I have no clue if its general or something underline. In which she had a little cold again, last wk. By the way shes the maid of honor for one of her best friends wedding and everything that ideals. Her friend is like her with her mom’s cancer (breast) battle. Thinks thats everything and well at least that I can both remember and think of. Well get back to if I have anything else to add to this. Back again with more whom she was and whom we are. I for one prefer more of an integrative form of it. In which my mom, dad, and sister were brainwashed about it. Especially, more after the original diagnosis. Shes also a retired RN and she was one for 45 yrs. Of course my dad and sister still are. That also includes the rest of our remaining family and our friends as well. At least our family friends. We found it was more aggressive than we original thought it was. Basically, its ovarian cancer and she was 1st diagnosed with it as stage IV back in 2008. She had she been receiving on, off, with a few recurrences in between. Then, last yr it came back in a form of a brain tumor and again she was treated for. In which we all thought that was the last of it because she went onto treatment after that. At the first she was a experimental drug, but then that didn’t work. So, went back her old treatment and then it all started from there. Even through after going to a doctor in the city. We have since decided to stopped all of it and go toward with comfort care. Shes currently a inpatient there, receiving treatment, and it appears to be working for her. At moment we are remaining cautionary optimistic about it. At the same time I would love explore other volunteer options at Valley because I don’t know if I can continue with her old doctor because all of this. Back because she took a turn for the worse sometime overnight or early this morning. My fraternal twin sister called my father and me father regarding this morning. Basically, this whole day and beyond has been a whirlwind for all of us. Belated Waybeyondfedup worried about how my fraternal twin sister is coping with our mother’s death and especially over this past week for sure Its pretty much a mo now since her death and everything happened to leading up to it. sI mean we should be getting over the initial shock of it and getting back to normal. Well, of course our new normal. Have to say that I’m really not worried about my father about this because hes not going to change. Still I’m more worried about my fraternal twin sister more because shes more like our mom and that includes our dad as well. Whom takes care of everyone/thing before herself. In which I do get, but then don’t. I mean shes had her issues with certain things and etc. In which I’m not going into on here because whats the point of getting into on her. Belated Back yet again with another hospitalization story with my both depression and anxiety But this time this was totally different hospital and experience. Basically, it all started with my mother’s passing from her cancer battle a mo ago with a little meltdown, but still not a full blown one until this one. In which went to the local hospital emergency room and also went for this past one. Then, lived with it off and on until a couple of wks ago with my period. Trying some new meds, vitamins, supplements (homeopathic, multivitamins, and supplements), but in the end none of them worked because they aren’t a exact science. It was also in combination of nervous about my sister’s live to work lifestyle vs work to live lifestyle. In which it drove me to first er and then hospital. All and all was pretty good experience expect from here to there. Think thats it for now. Thank you, again, in advance. Yours truly, Jessica A Bruno (waybeyondfedup)
  • my mom doesn’t understand that i have depression she blames it on the music i listen to. i feel there is no point to living and i have no motivation to do anything at all. she made me switch to online school this year and i am months behind because i don’t do it i can’t find the motivation to. i constantly feel sad and it’s neverending and she won’t let me get therapy she blames my depression on me not believing in god. i have been through so much in the last year and things just keep happening to make everything worse. what should i do